“You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”
Psalm 56:8 (NKJV)
I had my life together—or so I thought. At least I had been telling everyone that I was “just fine” when I was asked.
However, when a co-worker asked me about my Christmas Day, I wasn’t prepared for my body’s reaction to her question. I dissolved into tears when I realized I had just been going through the motions when we opened gifts and shared a meal at my oldest son’s home on December 25.
I, who had always been the strong one for everyone else, could not function that day. I had to leave work.
One life-changing event after another in 2007, including the unexpected death of my father and the more recent loss of a close friend, had finally caught up with me. I had prayed about each one. God had given me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I kept repeating, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 became my reminder when I wanted to give up.
But I had forgotten one important detail. I had not given myself permission to grieve. I thought tears were a sign of weakness.
Instead, I kept pressing forward, ignoring the fact that I needed time to rest and reflect. I also needed to cry. Tears have come, but often at very inconvenient times, and usually when I least expect them.
Recently, I learned some fascinating facts about human tears. Scientists have discovered three kinds of tears, each with its own distinct quality. Tears released in moments of intense feelings contain more of the protein-based hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone and leucine enkephalin (a natural painkiller). These hormones build up to high levels when the body withstands emotional stress. Tears are the body’s coping mechanism, whether it is lubricant for our eyes, a cleansing system to remove a foreign object or to release pain and grief. When we ignore the last one, the chemicals associated with stress can weaken the body’s immune system. Weeping actually does a body good.
Archaeologists in Israel have uncovered ancient “tear bottles” or wineskins, used to catch and preserve the owner’s tears during times of grief or extreme pressure. When David, who wrote Psalm 56, cried out to God, he was under duress. Each time David cried, he asked God to put his tears into His bottle or in this case, a wineskin, count them all, and write them down in His book. He wanted God to remember all of the bad things that had happened to him.
Although I had recognized God as my source of strength, I had not expressed my pain. He understands my grief. He understands my tears, which I tried to deny.
When tears come unexpectedly for what I have lost, I will now let them flow and cleanse my soul. Then, I will ask God to preserve them in His bottle and acknowledge them in His book.