Trying to punch my pillow into submission, I tossed and turned in the unfamiliar bed, hoping to get some much needed sleep before I spoke at a women’s event the next morning. I never rest well in a hotel bed. I doubt I’m alone.
However, it wasn’t just the strange surroundings leading to my insomnia. I was emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Not only had I been in preparation for the speech I would give the next day, I was also preparing for an upcoming week-long event in Colorado, where I would be speaking twice at a writer’s conference.
In addition, I was trying to juggle my own writing and marketing schedule and keep up with life—the responsibilities and commitments of everyday living. As I lay in the hotel bed, I not only wrestled with my pillow, I found myself, like Jacob, wrestling with God. It wasn’t the first time.
Even before we say a word, God knows what we need.
After almost 13 years of writing this weekly column, I was struggling with my calling—the one God had led me to after I left my 30-year teaching career. I’ve not missed a week, nor have I reused one of my over 600 plus columns. My calling was not part of my post-teaching plans but God’s redirection. How much longer would He ask me to continue?
As I spent countless hours that night praying for sleep to come, my frustration led to crying out to God. I wanted to give up. I needed a fresh vision for my life. I needed to know if He wanted me to continue on this path. Did He have something else in mind? I begged God for clarity because I know He is the author of peace, not confusion.
I finally drifted off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. When my alarm sounded, I wanted nothing more than to roll over and ignore it. But, I’d made a commitment and was expected that morning to speak before a sanctuary filled with women who were seekers like me. Even though I surrendered my will to God almost 18 years ago, I still seek Him each morning in the pages of His Word, in prayer and through journaling.
Even though I’d read my Bible and prayed that Saturday morning, I found myself anxious before even stepping up to the microphone. The turning point, the one shattering my fears, came when I met with other women before the event to pray together. Humbly, we asked God to go before us, to prepare hearts and to let Him have His way with us—and He did!
While I’d made notes for the speech, God knew better than I did what the ladies needed to hear. When I finished, I realized my desire to continue fulfilling the ministry to which I’d been called had been restored.
Even before we say a word, God knows what we need. Our Heavenly Father is strong, ever-present and He never takes His eyes off of us.